The Morning LEEK

Bush Nostalgic for Hollywood Days

2006-02-17T17:28:00.000-05:00

Unconfirmedsources

Bush family toboggan "das boot"

Expressing disappointment at his son's command of the English language, former president George HW Bush today confided to Unconfirmed Sources that plans were in place to go back to using Hollywood actors to fill the role of President of the United States in 2008. The aging Bush, who served his country as head of CIA, where he got extensive experience with the rigging of elections all over the world, before spending twelve years in the White House himself, confessed nostalgia for the days of Ronald Reagan. "He was a moron, too, but he could memorize and deliver the lines we gave him like he meant it. We had the world by the short and curlies back then," Bush reminisced. "Jr. can't even handle the teleprompters when we give him a bouncing ball to show him where to pause, and when he tries to ad-lib his press conferences, well, it's just embarrassing."

Hu and Wen in Wye ME for agro talks at Watt U

2006-02-17T16:58:00.000-05:00

By Howie Wence

l to r: Wu, Wu, Yu, Hu, Wen and Weir

Rice grows on Moon

Hu denies Moon's "dark side"

(fotos by Witchcraft)

Target for Right Wing Attack?

2005-10-18T03:55:00.000-04:00

"I'm Right Behind you." The president demonstrates chirality to the Heritage Foundation or the American Enterprise Institute.

Chinese Beat US in Race to Maos

2005-03-18T05:45:00.000-05:00

photo

little red planet

Britney Spears Calls for Violent Revolution in Ukraine

2005-01-04T01:45:00.000-05:00

full story

no free concert

A massive pro-democracy concert sponsored by Pepsi Co. to take place in the troubled nation of Ukraine next month may be cancelled owing to protests by the government over statements by the concert's headliner, Britney Spears.

September 11 Suicide Pilot Pleads Not Guilty

2004-12-31T05:58:00.000-05:00

full story

the murder weapon

Marwan Alshehhi, accused of piloting a Boeing 757 that crashed into the World Trade Center two years ago has entered a plea of not guilty in US Federal Court from his home in Morocco. His lawyers are saying that he has an airtight alibi and that they can prove he was nowhere near the scene of the crime on Sept. 11, 2001.

Bush Condemns Guantanamo Psych Malpractice Suit

2004-12-29T10:37:00.000-05:00

decay of doctor-patient relationship

full story

Several hundred Iraqi prisoners have mounted a class action lawsuit in American court against psychiatrists from the Fleet Hospital at Camp Delta, Guantanamo Bay. According to the complaint, psychiatrists at the prison hospital regularly conveyed data about prisoners’ “mental health and vulnerabilities” to the Behavioral Science Consultation Team (Biscuit) in order to integrate mental health care with the system of psychological and physical coercion.” Several trial lawyers we contacted agreed that such a medical torture and interrogation machine would constitute a flagrant violation of current US malpractice laws, and could mean millions of dollars to the victims or their next-of-kin.

Osama’s New Release Goes Platinum for Christmas

2004-12-29T10:35:00.000-05:00

bin laden at the grammys full story

In an audiotape broadcast Monday by Al-Jazeera satellite television, a man purported to be Osama bin Laden endorsed Abu-Musab al-Zarqawi as his deputy in Iraq and called for a boycott of next month's elections there. The voice on the tape described al-Zarqawi as the “emir” of al-Qaida in Iraq and said “I’m the new Sharif, and Zarqawi is my deputy.”

NY Times Finds Wide Support for Torture and Prison Abuse in Aftermath of Mosul Bombing

2004-12-25T08:13:00.000-05:00

free the abu ghraib 7
full story
In response to Tuesday’s attack on a US base in Mosul, the New York Times published a front-page article Wednesday, entitled “Torture is the Only Option, Americans Say.” In an “objective characterization of the nation’s mood following the deaths of the US soldiers,” the piece quoted a number of US citizens who expressed their full support for ongoing violations of the Geneva Conventions and presented their views as being representative of the US population as a whole. “The Bush and Blair administrations will be forced to acknowledge that any demand for an end to the torture and abuse of prisoners is now illegitimate and beyond the main stream,” concluded Times reporter, Heidi Fleiss.

Supreme Court Split Over Marine Partial Birth Abortion

2004-12-19T08:55:00.000-05:00

full story

Potential terrorists still roam the streets of Fallujah

With Chief Justice William Rehnquist still recuperating from cancer surgery, the Supreme Court today remained evenly divided over whether the death of an infant being delivered in a hospital in Fallujah qualified as a partial birth abortion. The arguments on both sides concern the fact that the newborn was still attached to the mother at the time of its death, raising the question of whether recent anti-abortion laws passed by the interim government of Iyad Allawi, in consultation with Jerry Falwell's Faith and Values Coalition, defined the death as a war crime.

Democrats Vow to Pay More Attention to Political Concerns of Idiots

2004-12-19T08:53:00.000-05:00

full story

clear message? not to an idiot

Confronted with a chart of relative IQ's of blue and red states in the recent elections, the leadership of the Democratic party said recently that they were forced to reevaluate their assumptions about the constituency they were tasked to represent. The chart below shows the nation divided along stupidity lines: 19 of the 24 states with the highest average IQ voting Democrat and the 31 of the 34 states with the lowest, Republican.

Bush Unveils Faith Based Economic Plan

2004-12-19T08:52:00.000-05:00

full story

in g(uns) o(il) and d(rugs) we trust

Treasury Secretary Snow joined President Bush in unveiling "Salvations and Loans," a new economic plan that relies heavily on the promotion of prayer and church attendance to stimulate the Second Coming and divine forgiveness of what otherwise promises to be a ten trillion dollar national debt.

Allawi Accuses Hekawi of Aiding Zarqawi, Moussaoui

2004-12-19T08:51:00.000-05:00

full story

where the heck is zarqawi?

Iraqi elections planned for next month may have to be postponed owing to accusations by the interim Prime Minister that the Hekawi have had secret dealings with rebel leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. The small tribe of Native Americans, who settled in western Iraq during the Civil War after getting lost on a hunting party, purportedly supported Zarqawi's operations through the sale of beads, blankets, and jewelry to tourists. The tribe took its name from the exclamation of their leader, Sitting Duck, on reaching the Tigris river in 1868: "where the heck a' we?"

President Bush Unwraps Faith Based Environmental Protection Program

2004-12-19T08:50:00.000-05:00

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still blue no thanks to scientists

Calling environmentally concerned scientists "a bunch of atheists who don't trust the Lord to look after his own creation," President George Bush announced the "Uncloudy Skies Act" which emphasizes prayer and church attendance over economically crippling regulation of US industrial production.

Iraqi Doctors Hail Eradication of Obesity

2004-12-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

full story

fake photos and proven lies

On a side note to the sometimes pessimistic news concerning the ongoing insurgency and upcoming elections, Doctors at Iraq's Health Ministry announced that obesity, which had reached epidemic proportions in Iraq in the late 1980's, has finally been eradicated. The WTO added Iraq to the growing list of countries who have eradicated the chronic condition which once constituted the greatest risk to the health of Iraqi children.

Krazy Il Kim’s Dongs are Pointed at America

2004-12-19T08:48:00.000-05:00

powell: koreans have no dongs

full story

Outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell today accused the North Korean government of having No Dongs. "We've known for some time that Kim was developing a Dong that could reach across the Pacific Ocean. He thinks that threatening the United States will improve his negotiating position, but we're not about to let a bunch of Korean No Dongs determine our foreign policy," he told the UN Security Council on Wednesday.

Mass Grave in Bosnia Found to Contain Iraqis

2004-12-19T08:47:00.000-05:00

full story

smoking gun

Forensic scientists from the WTO have determined that some of the bodies unearthed last week from a mass grave in Bosnia are Iraqis. Identities of most of the bodies have yet to be determined. This will be bad news for Slobodan Milosevic who is currently standing trial for war crimes committed in Bosnia from 1987 until late 2000, prior to and during the NATO bombing of Yugoslavia.

Price of Poppy Seeds Plummets: Afghanistan Accused of Dumping

2004-12-19T08:46:00.000-05:00

full story

hi carbs, low prices

With US bread sales suffering from the proliferation of low-carb diets, poppy producers have another headache to deal with. An organization of seed producers has complained to the Bush administration about the dumping of subsidized poppy seeds on western markets by Afghanistan.

Don't Ask Don't Tell for Women in Combat?

2004-12-19T08:45:00.000-05:00

full story

don't ask

This is the first in a one part series on females in the military.

Part One: The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff spoke to Unconfirmed Sources today, under condition that we not use his name, concerning charges that the White House is promoting a don’t ask, don’t tell policy for women. If this policy is not halted, he said, “yet more women will die – or be captured and possibly raped or hung up by their ankles and painted with graffiti.”

Pentagon: Everything We Tell You is a Lie, Including This

2004-12-19T08:43:00.001-05:00

full story

who are they trying to fool?

Expressing concern that the credibility of US foreign policy may have suffered as a result of the numerous lies disseminated by the White House and Pentagon concerning the war on terrorism, Gen. Richard Myers today reiterated the policy laid out in 2001 by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld of using disinformation as a weapon of psychological warfare.

Tauzin Signing Threatened by Doping Scandal

2004-12-19T08:43:00.000-05:00

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politician's little helper

The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) announced last Tuesday that as many as 83 federal lawmakers tested positive for CSD's (Conscience-Suppressing Drugs), experimental drugs which Dr. Leon Kass, chairman of the President's Council on Bioethics, called "morning-after pills for just about anything that produces regret, remorse, pain, or guilt." This afternoon, the Health Department requested a grand jury investigation into PhRMA, the Washington lobby representing US drug manufacturers and its new president and CEO, outgoing chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, "Billy" Tauzin (D/R-La), for possible drug and money laundering violations.

Condaleeza Rice Orders Invasion of Iran: Congress Angry but Vow to Support Troops

2004-12-19T08:42:00.000-05:00

full story

always around when you need one

Citing an intercepted communiqué from an Iranian pilot who shouted an Islamic oath as he approached Washington's Dulles Airport, incoming Secretary of State, Condaleeza Rice, informed Congress late last night that she had ordered the downing of the passenger jet he was piloting and the immediate launch of Patriot missiles at Tehran. By the time reviews of the tapes by the CIA revealed that a flight attendant had spilled coffee on the pilot who merely uttered a common Arabic exclamation, it had been too late to call back the missile strike.

Kenneth Lay Beheaded by Zacarias Moussaoui

2004-12-19T08:41:00.000-05:00

full story

the one that didn't get away

A video tape showing the beheading murder of Kenneth Lay was delivered to the offices of Unconfirmed Sources yesterday and has since been confiscated by the FBI. The tape shows a masked man identifying himself as Zacarias Moussaoui, the Islamic militant currently facing four capital charges connected with the Sept. 11, 2001 attack on New York and Washington, affirming his involvement in that attack before sawing the head off of the Bush supporter and former Enron chairman.

Iraqi Boat People Arrive in Sri Lanka

2004-12-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

terrorist plot?
full story

A small boat overloaded with refugees fleeing the destruction of their homes in Fallujah has been rescued from the waters off Sri Lanka. More "boat people" can be expected to make the hazardous journey from Iraq in the coming weeks, as rumors of tens of millions of dollars of emergency aid to be sent to regions devastated by this week's earthquake filter through to the growing refugee population in that war torn country.

Dire Shortage of Homeland Security Reading List Analysts

2004-12-19T08:39:00.000-05:00

full story

why we fight

After winning a tough legal battle for access to the library records of suspected terrorists, the Department of Homeland Security has been unable to recruit a sufficient number of agents qualified to analyze them. "The people who apply for jobs here are not generally familiar with the names of radical political theorists let alone the significance of their various works," said outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge. On a recent test, for example, 100% of applicants picked Alan Greenspan as the author of Das Kapital. "We used to count that kind of ignorance as a plus," Ridge said, “but many new forms of dual use literature developed by our enemies, such as subversive comic books and web-based political satire, have greatly complicated the task of prying into people’s reading habits.

Gary Webb: Did Paul Wellstone Commit Suicide?

2004-12-19T08:38:00.000-05:00

full story

the fortunate son

A newly published book by author and investigative journalist Gary Webb suggests that Paul Wellstone, the Minnesota Senator killed in a plane crash in 2002, together with his wife, daughter, three staff assistants, and two pilots, was actually at the controls of the plane at the time and crashed it on purpose because he was despondent over ill feelings between him and the Bush family.

Congress Denies Passing Secret Intelligence Bill

2004-12-19T08:37:00.000-05:00

full story

total info awareness dude

A number of high ranking lawmakers were hard pressed on the morning talk shows today to dispel rumors of a major intelligence overhaul supposedly passed by Congress earlier this week. Details of the supposed bill, leaked to the press and then spread through the internet rumor mill, eventually resulted in a complaint by the ACLU that it "would centralize the intelligence community's surveillance powers, increasing the likelihood for government abuses." The complaint criticized especially the expansion of wiretap and other surveillance powers and said that the creation of a so-called Civil Liberties Oversights Board was merely a token measure that "risks becoming the proverbial fox guarding the hen house."

Secret Service Suspends 3 Agents; 1 Chilean Security Guard Suspended

2004-12-19T08:35:00.000-05:00

full story

Bush comes off bench

The Secret Service suspended three players indefinitely Saturday for their roles in one of the worst-ever brawls in the history of the agency, a fight with Chilean security guards that director Biff Bashem called "shocking, repulsive and inexcusable." Agents Napolean Solo and Ilya Kuryakin and Chilean security guard Augusto Arbusto were suspended, the Secret Service said Saturday. Police in Santiago were investigating, but did not comment on who might be charged.

Allawi Rejects Claims by Delegation from Mosul that Civilians Still Occupy City

2004-12-19T08:27:00.000-05:00

full story

delegation sent back to Mosul for proof

A delegation of families from the northern Iraqi city of Mosul were forcibly removed from the offices of the interim government yesterday after trying to present Prime Minister Allawi with a petition signed by several hundred thousand residents affirming that non-combattant civilians still occupied many neighborhoods of that city. The delegation, consisting of about fifty doctors, nurses, teachers, shopkeepers and their families told reporters that they were concerned about recent statements by the Prime Minister that only "terrorists, insurgents loyal to Sadam Hussein, and foreign interlopers" now lived in the ancient sprawling town, and that all peace loving Iraqis had fled the rebel stronghold long ago.

Touch Screen Machines to be Used for Opinion Poll on Iraq War and Recruiting Stations

2004-12-19T08:23:00.000-05:00

full story

serving your country's never been easier

Citing concern that the American people were not given an adequate opportunity to voice their opinions concerning the ongoing war in Iraq during the last election, the Pentagon has announced a plan to make a broad survey of opinions across the entire US population. To facilitate this survey, touch screen machines will be distributed to public facilities throughout the nation by Diebold Inc. which will allow citizens to register their support for or opposition to the war. Of particular interest to the Pentagon are the opinions of military service eligible youths from 18 to 28 years of age who's future, said General Richard Myers, will be most effected by the course of the conflict.

Pentagon Reveals Secret Cloning Program

2004-12-19T08:20:00.000-05:00

full story

fully interchangeable

Breaking twenty years of carefully guarded silence, the Pentagon's chief medical officer, Army Maj. Gen. Anne S. Thesia, admitted today that research has been conducted since the 1980's at Ft. Detrick, the Army's secret biowarfare laboratory, on stem cell technology, and also that the Army has successfully cloned 150,000 combat ready troops from a single female sex cell. The soldiers turn eighteen in January and are set to begin basic training in all branches of the service by spring.

Diego Garcia: Grunts Sense Tsunamis in Advance

2004-12-19T08:15:00.000-05:00

no surprise landing

full story

One of the few places in the Indian Ocean that got the message of last week's earthquake and tidal waves in advance was Diego Garcia, a speck of British territory about 900 miles south of India, which hosts about 3200 US military personnel and civilian contractors and many US long-range bombers and Navy ships. Although directly in the path of the tidal wave, the Diego Garcia military base reported no damage. The base Commander, Lt. General Moro, said that "grunts have a sixth sense about this kind of thing," and unusual marine behavior observed in the hours and days preceding the arrival of the tsunami had led to the timely securing and evacuation of coastal areas.

George W. Bush Vows to Win "War on Puberty " In Second Term

2004-12-19T08:12:00.000-05:00

full story

Bush launches preemptive invasion of privacy

Public high schools across the country are going to have to start teaching classes in sexual abstinence if they expect federal funding from the new Bush administration as part of an initiative dubbed the "War on Puberty." At a ceremony introducing the program's mascot, an animated teenager named Cherry Chastity, President Bush quipped: "I never understood the point of sex education personally; my kids already had too much of that when they got to high school." Other weapons anticipated in the War on Puberty are a modern version of the chastity belt produced by DynCorp that works like a modified stun gun and webcams prominently placed in bathroom stalls.

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